Saturday, 16 January 2016


Already january 16

I turn twenty today

I remember being fifteen and thinking that turning twenty was an imaginary thing
Almost like an illusion
But it became real and sooner than I expected

Suddenly eighteen came
Then nineteen was already here
And now twenty

I don't remember being so not excited for a birthday

Is not that I will miss my teen years
It's just that time is passing and I feel I'm gliding full speed
In this autopilot mode

I so want this year to be amazing

I keep thinking of how I'm already twenty and
I'm not where I imagined being 
I don't live by myself yet
I haven't traveled the much I wanted
I don't have those friends 
I'm still trying to cultivate more self-love
I'm not yet the person I vision being
Not yet that best version

I've recently started thinking that I should have gone to uni
Not because I really want it
But just maybe to somehow feel safe
Have a plan
Feel I'm part of something

It terrifies me feeling I'm getting older and not going where I want
That I won't be able to accomplish my dreams
To turn them into reality

Thinking that if something doesn't change now it will never change
That I'll always feel this "not enough yet"

Today I'm off to see Hozier
Funny enough his first concert in Portugal is on my birthday 
And was what stopped me from trying to forget the date
Because I truly want to see him
But at the same time didn't want the day to come as that meant turning twenty

Because I know that external pressure and expectations will increase
To make money
To have a proper job
To settle down
And settling might be my biggest fear
I kind of see it as freezing
I don't want that
I want change
I want to live to the fullest
To explore and feel alive, not settle 

I just hope for a fun day
And that this day leads for an enjoyable year
One that can make me feel more fulfilled

My thoughts have been quite all over the place
I don't know, that's probably me thinking too much

But oh well, I am now a twenty-year-old girl

Lots of hugs, A

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